Quick Purge

Just a (hopefully) quick little post to dump some mental clutter before going into back-to-back sessions.

I feel like I'm going to have a nervous breakdown today. I'm having a very hard time trying to balance some work responsibilities that are necessary while I'm away, and the work I am actually here to do. I'm usually pretty decent at time management, but right now my mental and emotional state aren't really being conducive to much of anything.

Last night, we had the luxury of being taken downtown to a restaurant for a going away dinner for two fellows who are leaving today.

It was far too early for me in this program to be placed in that environment. I had anxiety seeping out every pore on the way there, and had to strategically place myself in a position at the table where I wasn just looking at the wall, so as not to see any other guests in the restaurant that may be having drinks...drinks that I am still wanting so badly.

So far, that's my only first strike against this place. I wasn't ready for that. It wasn't really fair this early in the game.

Luckily, they had San Pellegrino and I'm pretty sure I drank them out of their entire stock of it.

I could have said no, I'm not ready to go. But, that would've meant a counsellor had to stay back with me here at the clinic, and I know they all really wanted to go celebrate the massive success of these two men that have come so far, and may never meet again.

I didn't want to be that guy that ruined it for everyone else.

But, I passed the test, somehow – however I think I'm paying for it today.

My stress level is through the roof today, like a top being wound up and ready to release any second, spinning out of control and unaware of anything in it's path. Today's sessions should be interesting – if I can get through them.

It's lunch now – but I have no appetite. Funny how stress can push aside the most basic of your needs, just like addiction can push away love, push away hope and welcome in all things destructive that it craves and feeds off of.

And speaking of "off" – I can't wait to get off this rollercoaster.

I feel like there's three of me here, squeezed into one little box on the ride and eventually one of us are all three of us are going to fall out.

The me that just wants to work at becoming stronger. The me that needs to still maintain some semblance of responsbility in my businesses back home. And the me that just wants to crawl up into a corner and sleep for the next 3 weeks.

They're all having a wicked battle today, and I sure hope the me that came here to get stronger wins in the end. At this very moment though, it's anyone's game.

Sober, alcohol free recovery blogger.

Photographer. Writer. Ex-Blackout Artist.

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