I don't even know if I'm trying. I have barely changed my habits, and I can't say I'm drinking much less, now that I've been taking Naltrexone for 10 days. The desire to change is there, but not the action.
We had some company two nights ago and I ended up getting really drunk (not much different from any other night) – but it's that behaviour that worries me. I am lacking self control. I need limits and boundaries, and I am failing to set them for myself.
Just waiting for this little pill to make me stop wanting to be numb.
I need to set a daily goal (likely a better way of looking at it, than thinking of it as 'limiting' myself). I need smaller goals. Instead of looking at the entire staircase, to look at just the first step. Then the next. And the next. In theory, I'll have to make it to the top that way.
I don't wake with intention. Quite the opposite, to be honest. It's usually with dread and worry, pouring anxiety into myself from the moment I open my hungover eyes. Painting an image of myself on social media (which I generally hate) that everything is just perfect – all the while waiting until noon when I can pour myself that first glorious glass of wine and start the cycle again. My intention every morning is just to make it as long as possible without breaking down.
I wasn't always like this.
It's amazing how you can lose yourself. The only person you spend every second of your life with – and you can still manage to lose track of them. I've taken for granted that I'd always be in control, but the truth is I lost control the day the alcohol took over. Any illusion of being in control checked out the day the alcohol became more important than my health and my goals.
I just read an interesting article on Unsettle.org about creating morning routines, to set yourself up for success that day – and overall in your life. I've actually been doing this. But I've been doing it so very wrong. It is one thing to have a morning and daily routine. It's another thing completely, when all of your routines are destructive and harmful. I highly recommend you read it, despite it being business-centric, it really does apply to recovery and addiction – because the one thing we all have in common is that we want to succeed.
Today, I'm not going to focus on becoming sober.
I'm not going to fixate on all the wrong turns I've made. I AM going to focus on taking one small step, to master the day. I am going to start my day with intention. I am simply going to begin the process of creating a routine that works for me, and is inline with those intentions. I already write every morning, regardless of when I wake up (today it was 2am) and despite any number of work-related emails or things that need to be done. I prioritize that habit above all things, because it clears my mind and it has a positive, healthy reward for me: a little clarity in the fog of alcoholism, during those rare hours when I'm not intoxicated.
Living with intention is the opposite of how I've been feeling. It's the opposite of how addicts and alcoholics live their life, which is totally unbound and out of control.
By acknowledging how you desire to feel, you can enter any situation with a whole new sense of being. When you get clear on how you want to feel, you can make clear decisions that create the life you truly desire to live. The moment you tap into the feeling, you get your power back. It’s all about embodying your intention.
To get your power back.
That right there is really what it's all about.
My intention for myself, for you, for all of us, is to get our power back – one small step at a time. Starting with today.
Today, I will love myself, and treat myself better.
Sober, alcohol free recovery blogger.
Photographer. Writer. Ex-Blackout Artist.
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