Letter For Hubs

It’s 10:45pm and in less than 6 hours you’ll be driving me to an airport because I'm an alcoholic.

I am sorry.

And thank you.

Thank you, more than you know.

Thank you, for being patient with me. In times when I know you probably want to walk out the door and never look back. In times when you don’t understand why something SO SIMPLE can be so HARD for me. For at least trying to understand that, even in times when you're tired and you can’t. Thank you for allowing me to do this – for myself, and for us. Thank you for this second, third, fifteenth chance. Thank you for your belief in me – for your hope that maybe this time I’ll get it right.

Thank you for every sleepless night you’ve spent – apart from me and I from you. Most days on different floors and in different rooms. Miles and lightyears apart, but still there for me. Always.

I am sorry for all the spilled wine, the slurred words, the thoughts that came out all wrong, and the times I’ve passed out on the couch or the chair, and every single night you’ve climbed those stairs alone to bed without me there to crawl into bed with you.

I’m sorry for not being there to have, and to hold.

Thank you for whatever it is in you that sees that maybe there’s a chance I’m not completely broken, but maybe I’ve been put back together just a little wrong. 

Thank you for every time, while in my darkest moments, your voice has risen up and encouraged me to try just one more time. Especially when those days were the hardest for you.

Because of me.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. And you’ve sat there quietly. Patiently. For years, waiting for the day I would just wake up and realize that this can’t go on any longer.

I’m sorry.

You deserve a best friend, and a husband – not a drunk.

And I promise you, I am in here somewhere.

I’m here.

And I’m going to go and find me, for both of us. Because in finding me, I’m only finding half of who I am.

Thank you for being that other half…patiently waiting for me. 

I woke up, I sat down, and I wrote this. It was the first thing on my mind, and has been the first thing in my heart for so long now. 

I miss you. I love you. I thank you. I am sorry.

Shawn

Sober, alcohol free recovery blogger.

Photographer. Writer. Ex-Blackout Artist.

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